逐漸消失的自我

陸達誠神父

關鍵字:

我、無我、自我意識、位格、生死學

十一年前,我曾在恆毅月刊上發表一篇名為〈快樂得想死〉的文章,僅將其中一段,摘錄如下:

筆者在英國威爾斯作神操的三十天中(1998年10月5日~11月 6日),曾有過二次在祈禱中不知不覺地滑入愛的汪洋之中,只覺得極深沈的平安及與天主同在的無比喜樂。在這二次光景中,我也曾想如果這樣死去,是何等的好啊!因為要保持這種與天主同在的幸福,除了脫離肉身和這個塵世是別無可能的。這真是一種快樂得想死的經驗。

這篇文章以後在我開的「生死學」課程中,常與同學分享。

人最大的快樂不是有我,而是無我。我們的自我意識在後嬰兒期時就開始發動,它除了深睡外,從不休息。長期的累積使此意識根深蒂固,盤根錯節,再也拔除不了。這個「自我」穿梭在意識和潛意識之間,織了一個天羅地網,把真正的我困在裡邊,使之不能動彈。而所謂的高峰經驗,便是片刻的撕破這個天羅地網,把真我解放一下,使人覺得神清氣爽,似入仙境。就像柏拉圖描寫的囚犯逃出了地窟,見識了大千世界一樣。

東方的禪要人退入「虛」,「寂」,「空」,「無」,要人一無所有,體會四大皆空。禪要掃蕩語言文字:「佛來佛斬,魔來魔斬」。惠能與神秀鬥智,神秀的機智是「有」-「身是菩提樹,心如明鏡臺,時時勤拂拭,勿使惹塵埃。」而惠能以「無」贏得了五祖的傳缽-「菩提本無樹,明鏡亦非臺,本來無一物,何處惹塵埃」。可見「無」才是禪的真髓。

佛教重「無」,但這個「無」一定不是「絕對無」,否則難以理解誰來收成。

基督宗教肯定「有」,主張有靈魂,有位格。但這個有位格的我在與天主交流時,二個位格間有所謂「我與您」之說法。這種結合與無位格際之結合,不可同日而語。後者像一滴水落入大海,水海不二,完全融合。而位格際之結合無法有此聯想。因此無我之說,及無我之境,似乎更能描寫天人結合之深邃和滿全。英國作家希克在「第五向度」一書中說;「宗教的作用就是賦予我們一種能夠轉化人類存在的脈絡,此一轉化是從罪惡的以及/或是虛妄的自我中心,全新定位成以神聖者、超越者、終極為中心,從而解救所謂的真實自我或無私自我、真我、萬物的佛性、我們裡面的上帝形象。」

神秘家如艾克哈不會在意神人結合時,二者的位格性全然消失。完美的神人結合使人超越自我意識,不再有「我與您」之感,二者的關係若「你泥中有我,我泥中有你」,無法再分彼此。這是無我的絕境,此世僅能剎那有之,只在來世才得徹底實現。

可憐身為哲學教師的我,上課時口口聲聲強調位格,但內心深處憧憬的是無位格。巴不得在與天主結合時,自我完全消失,那才是我的真福。

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