芥子49期 －悠游於靈修之間 (譚愛梅)

悠游於靈修之間

譚愛梅

有個朋友談起「生死的問題」，我想起多年前，看了十幾遍的一本書，書名是「天使走過人間」，乃生死學大師，伊麗莎白，庫伯勒－羅斯寫的自傳。
這書，每次看, 都讓我很傷心，尤其是前面看的幾次。應該是看到第十一次吧。才沒那麽難過。我想過我的傷心，該是看她的書時，和她的心靈能夠產生共鳴。從書中的她，仿佛，看到我自己隱藏在心理累積很久的傷痛，終於因為傷痛被揭露而治愈。雖然是生死學大師的自傳，除了生死，談的更多的是如何活的有尊嚴。

這幾天，我也想推薦這本書，給我的朋友，所以，重新翻了翻，又被整個情節攝服住。不斷的看下去。

這次，看到了這麽一段 :「…我不想加入教會，齊默曼牧師要我告訴他，我對教會有什麽不滿。我把心中的怨恨和疑惑全部宣洩出來。小的時候，我跟某牧師在課堂上曾經發生沖突…」。

在她書裏頭，前面有一段，描寫她如何表現，反對一位冷酷的牧師，對她班上同學和她妹妹的非理性，口頭及身體上的處罰。在忍無可忍之下伊麗莎白把一本黑皮贊美詩集，丟在這位冷酷牧師的臉上，並厲聲指責牧師是沒有良心，沒有同情心，不懂得體恤別人，不懂得愛護小孩子，根本不配當牧師，她瞧不起他傳授的那種宗教。然後頭也不回的大步走出校門…「我也把自己對宗教的看法告訴他：我認為，上帝（尤其是我心目中的上帝）不應該被囚困在一間教堂裏，更不應該被人類制定的法律和習俗束縛……」。

齊牧師並沒有提出反駁。他向伊麗莎白解釋，在宗教信仰中，最重要的課題是人們應該如何過活而不是如何膜拜上帝。

根據我自己的經驗，聽完天主的道理，走出天主的聖殿，馬上把天主的話語化為行動，運用在周遭遇見的人與事的上面。是很不容易的。

像這個冷酷的牧師，為了吃牧師這口飯，滿口仁義道德。在課堂上，又亂罵學生，體罰學生。回家還打罵太太，孩子。讓鄰居不恥。多數是非不明，又怕事的教友，就不明不白的接受。雖然內心一定覺得不妥。頭腦清晰的伊麗莎白，又敢於反抗，就挺身而出。伊麗莎白從小就到處為弱小，打抱不平，即使是牧師她也敢反抗。終其一生，她不斷的為弱小的人們奮鬥。

至於我自己，到底學了那麽多道理，在生活中，扮演的角色是否都是以天主的思想為依據？我做出的判斷，真的是符合天主的意思嗎？這真是個不易回答的問題。

曾經有個朋友說過，天主給每個人的修道過程都不同，就說小會裏面，也有這種現象，每個會員看的聖書，導致的修煉過程就不盡相同。殊途同歸。所以有《芥子》，《心泉》這類的刊物，分享彼此的修行心得。

最近，得到一本早晨和小德勒撒，一起祈禱的小書，非常有助於我的修行。書名是：“Mornings with Saint Therese" 120 Daily Readings, St. Therese of Lisieux，Compiled by Patricia Treece

書後封皮寫著，"Millions love St. Therese of Lisieux, not only for her wisdom, but for her unwavering passion to serve God in life and in death. Listen with your heart as this most popular of saints speaks with simple charm about her life. These 120 readings from the writings of St. Therese of Lisieux will help you get to know firsthand the pure, simple girl whom Pope St. Pius X called "the greatest saint of modern times." 書後寫著。（我翻譯的能力不到家，不如請大家看原文的好。）

因為記載的是她日常生活的細節，和我們每日的生活很相近。讓我看到，她對人，對事，如何以愛天主的心來應對進退。那麽現實，沒有虛擬。它內中的言詞是如此的美麗，雖然我相信很多人都看過。我還是忍不住想在這裏和大家分享：

“9. A Maid Remembers ………she explained to me, in order to excuse them, that one mustn’t judge the depths of another soul-that these men had received far fewer graces than us and they were more miserable than guilty……."

“10. A Kiss Of Love …….Therese had disappeared like a drop of water lost in the immensity of the ocean; Jesus alone remained."

“12. “One of The Greatest Graces of My Life …….It was then that I received one of the greatest graces of my life, for, at that age, I didn't receive the spiritual enlightenment which now floods my soul. I was made to understand that the glory I was to win would never be seen during my lifetime, My glory would consist in becoming a great saint! This desire might seem presumptuous, seeing how weak and imperfect I was and still am, even after eight years as nun; yet I always feel the same fearless certainty that I shall become a great saint, I'm not relying on my own merits, as I have none, but I put my hope in Him who is goodness and holiness Himself.……."

“32. What True Charity Consists Of ………But now I realize that true charity consists in putting up with all one's neighbor's faults, never being surprised by his weakness, and being inspired by the least of his virtues.”

靠著，這些片段的思維，幫我度過無數的幽谷深淵。同時重新拾回，我和別人的友誼。